The Exhausting "Shoulds"

It's 10:37 PM on a Tuesday. You're standing in your kitchen staring at a sink full of dishes that have been there since... well, let's not talk about that. The voice in your head kicks in right on cue:

"You should have done these earlier."
"You should be better at keeping up with basic tasks."
"You should have a clean kitchen like a normal adult."

That creeping heat of shame rises from your chest to your face. Suddenly you're not just looking at dirty dishes – you're looking at evidence of your failure as a functioning human.

Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.

Those "shoulds" aren't random thoughts. They're the foundation of ADHD masking – the exhausting performance of neurotypicality that many of us have been putting on since childhood. And they're based on expectations that were never designed for brains like ours in the first place.

After working with hundreds of late-diagnosed ADHD women, I've noticed certain "should" statements come up again and again.

Let's examine the most common ones – and why they're fundamentally mismatched with how our brains actually work:

1. "I should be able to keep up with basic tasks like everyone else."

The neurotypical assumption: Basic tasks require minimal effort and attention.

The ADHD reality: Task initiation, switching, and completion require significantly more executive function than neurotypical brains. What others experience as "basic" might demand tremendous cognitive resources from you.

2. "I should be able to focus when something is important."

The neurotypical assumption: Importance dictates focus ability.

The ADHD reality: Interest, novelty, urgency, and brain chemistry dictate focus – not rational assessments of importance. Our attention isn't broken; it's differently regulated and often independent of our conscious control.

3. "I should be more disciplined/try harder."

The neurotypical assumption: Effort and willpower are unlimited resources equally available to everyone.

The ADHD reality: Executive function is a biological resource affected by genetics, sleep, stress, hormones, and countless other factors. No amount of "trying harder" can overcome fundamental neurological differences.

4. "I should be better at planning/time management."

The neurotypical assumption: Everyone experiences and processes time the same way.

The ADHD reality: Time blindness is a core ADHD trait. Many of us experience time as either "now" or "not now," making conventional planning strategies fundamentally mismatched with our perception.

5. "I should be able to sit still/be quiet/not interrupt."

The neurotypical assumption: Physical stillness and verbal restraint are comfortable defaults.

The ADHD reality: Movement, processing out loud, and conversational enthusiasm are often how we think, process, and engage – not behavioral problems to suppress.

6. "I should have figured this out by now."

The neurotypical assumption: Life skills develop at a standard rate for everyone.

The ADHD reality: Uneven development is characteristic of ADHD. You might excel in complex areas while struggling with supposedly "simple" tasks, and development often follows a different timeline.

7. "I should be more consistent."

The neurotypical assumption: Consistency is a choice.

​The ADHD reality: ADHD brains have naturally variable energy, focus, and executive function. Our inconsistency isn't a character flaw – it's a neurological reality.

Every time you "should" on yourself, you're not just feeling momentary guilt. You're engaging in a complex process that has profound effects on your energy, identity, and wellbeing:

The Energy Vampire
Every "should" statement requires you to:

- Compare your performance to an idealized standard
- Monitor your behavior against that standard
- Suppress natural tendencies
- Perform alternative behaviors that may feel unnatural
- Manage the emotions that arise from perceived failure

This constant self-monitoring and correction consumes massive amounts of cognitive energy – energy that could be directed toward your strengths, interests, and authentic self.

The Shame Spiral Launcher
"Shoulds" don't just make you feel bad – they actively prevent problem-solving. When you tell yourself you "should" be better at something, you're framing the issue as a character deficit rather than a need for accommodation.

Instead of asking "how can I design a system that works with my brain?" you get stuck in "why can't I just be normal?" – a question with no productive answer.

The Mask Manufacturer
Over time, these internalized "shoulds" become the blueprint for your mask – the carefully constructed version of yourself that appears neurotypical at the cost of authenticity.

You learn to hide stimming, pretend you're following along when you've lost focus, apologize excessively, and push through exhaustion to appear "normal." The mask might help you survive, but it prevents you from thriving.

The Identity Thief
Perhaps most insidiously, years of "shoulding" can leave you disconnected from your authentic self. When you've spent decades trying to be who you "should" be, it becomes increasingly difficult to recognize who you actually are.

Many late-diagnosed women tell me they've lost touch with their actual preferences, interests, and natural rhythms because they've been suppressing them for so long.

So how do we start dismantling these internalized "shoulds" and the masking behaviors they trigger? It starts with awareness and deliberate reframing:

Identify Your Personal "Should" Soundtrack

Exercise: For one day, carry a small notebook or use a notes app to record every "should" statement that crosses your mind. Don't judge or try to change them yet – just notice.

At the end of the day, review your list and ask:

1. Where did I learn this expectation?
2. Is this expectation realistic for my neurology?
3. What would happen if I released this expectation?

Reframe to Honor Your Neurodivergent Reality
For each "should" statement, create an alternative that acknowledges your brain's actual functioning:

Instead of: "I should be able to remember important dates without reminders."
Try: "My brain processes time differently, so I need external systems for dates. That's just good design, not a personal failure."

Instead of: "I should be able to focus in this open office."
Try: "My brain is more sensitive to sensory input, so I need accommodations like noise-canceling headphones to work effectively."

Permission Statements as "Should" Antidotes

For each common "should," develop a permission statement that releases you from unrealistic expectations:

Instead of: "I should be more productive."
Permission statement: "I give myself permission to work with my brain's natural rhythms, including rest periods and hyperfocus opportunities."

Instead of: "I should be able to keep my house as clean as others."
Permission statement: "I give myself permission to create systems that match my executive function rather than arbitrary cleanliness standards."

Recognizing a "Should" Spiral
- Learn to identify when you're in a "should" spiral with these warning signs:
- Comparing yourself to others
- Using phrases like "everyone else can..."
- Feeling shame rather than problem-solving
- Thinking in absolutes ("always," "never")
- Using perfectionist standards

When you notice these patterns, it's time to pause and ask: "Is this expectation designed for my brain?"
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Breaking free from "shoulds" isn't just an internal process. It requires creating external structures that reduce the need for constant self-correction:
Design External Systems That Eliminate Internal "Shoulding"
Replace memory-based tasks with visual cues and reminders
Create environments that reduce the executive function load
Build in body-doubling opportunities for challenging tasks
Design scaled systems for different energy levels (what's your minimum viable day?)
Use technology strategically for transitions and time awareness
Communicate Needs to Reduce External "Shoulding"
Develop scripts for explaining your needs without apology:
"I process information best when I can move/doodle/fidget."
"I need written instructions for multi-step processes."
"After meetings, I need 15 minutes of transition time before starting the next task."
Find Your People Who Don't "Should" On You
Actively seek out relationships with people who:
Appreciate your ADHD traits rather than just tolerating them
Recognize different neurotypes require different approaches
Collaborate on solutions rather than imposing expectations
Validate your experiences rather than dismissing them
Setting Boundaries with Persistent "Shoulders"
For the people in your life who continue to impose neurotypical expectations:
Educate when appropriate (but remember, it's not your job to be an ADHD ambassador)
Use clear, direct language about what works for you
Limit exposure to those who refuse to respect your neurology
Remember that their expectations are about their comfort, not your wellbeing

Releasing internalized "shoulds" is a crucial step in the REAL framework – Reclaiming your authentic ADHD self. When you stop forcing yourself to meet neurotypical expectations, you create space to discover who you actually are beneath the mask.

This week, I invite you to notice when "shoulds" appear in your self-talk. Each time you catch one, pause and ask:
"What if this isn't a personal failing, but a mismatch between expectations and my neurology?"
"What would I need to succeed on my own terms?"
"How might I honor my brain's actual functioning in this situation?"

Freedom from "shoulds" doesn't happen overnight. It's a practice of catching these thoughts, questioning their validity, and gradually replacing them with more accurate and compassionate perspectives.

But with each "should" you release, you reclaim a piece of your authentic self – the self that existed before shame and masking took over. That self is still there, waiting to be rediscovered and celebrated.

​​​​And trust me, she's way more interesting than the version of you that's exhausted from trying to meet neurotypical expectations that were never designed for your brain in the first place.